Good Bye Little Bean

I was 11 weeks, 6 days into my pregnancy.

Nov 5th, morning. I had some mild cramping, some spotting and a brown discharge. I was late for work and I had a prenatal appointment that afternoon. I figured whatever it was, it could wait.

Had a sh*tty day at work.

Went to the clinic early, when cramps got sharp and I could feel blood coming out.

Saw my OB and, not surprisingly, he had sad news.

There was a lot of blood and material. Thank God, I didn't have to see it. I went home with a heavy heart, picked up hubs from work and we walked a little. My OB prescribed something that started with an M and codein.

I bled a lot more, and passed more clots.

I have such mixed feeling~~ a little irrational guilt, sadness, relief to not have to wade through the beaurocratic red tape of Kaiser and SFUSD, relief of not having to take maternity leave or go through labor.

I have tried to give myself space to cry. My body is recovering quickly-- besides some GI upsets caused by codein, I physically feel OK. Its so strange to not be pregnant.