Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Trust

I was chatting with one of the cool women at the expo and I asked her what the prospects for art teachers in the City were like. She laughed and said she couldn't answer that. She said being an art teacher was like making art, and one of the ingredients was trust.

That word hit me like a sledgehammer.

So hard to trust in some nebulous force. Does God keep the little art teachers in his hands like the little sparrows? Why does it feel like I always get dropped in the summer? (don't even get me started on the terrors of last summer, and the summer before and the summer before that). How I would love to have control over everything so I wouldn't have to trust anything. I feel like my faith assures me that God will be with me, but He won't necessarily help me with rent and paying for food and getting jobs. Is that a terrible lack of faith? I am tired of reminding myself of what I do have.

Then of course, there's the whole question of how much of my crises are my fault. They can all be traced back to me. I suppose its unfair to scapegoat God. So if I can't trust myself, who can I trust?

Trust is so difficult, so necessary.

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