Monday, July 11, 2005

kanbodea


kanbodea, originally uploaded by camille94019.

Leaving flip flop today. Still haven't decided which sketchbook to bring. Still haven't written august lesson plans. Still don't know where October rent is coming from. I am finding my capacity for dealing with uncertainty seems to be connected with my ability to maintain a healthy level of denial. Or is it faith? Naivete? At this moment so many things are unresolved and the tension is building, like a piece of music that keeps raising a seventh but never comes down to the solid, comfortable major chord.

I need to take the proverbial Chill Pill. Actually, I ought to take a malaria pill. Tried to get my oil changed this morning, because I don't know when I'll have time when I return, and the WW dudes couldn't do it! The monkey who did it before stripped the drain plug! They can't touch it!

327 has two weeks of garbage at the curb right now. I could take a picture and it would rival the epic garbage piles I found in NY. Its such an apt picture of my life right now. I know the garbage men will be coming tomorrow morning to take it away, just like I know when I give it to Jesus, he will take it away. But for now, its casting a long shadow and I just have to wait.

Nabajuice spoke about waiting last night. He illustrated it with clips from the movie "The Terminal." All of the characters were waiting, and some were waiting better than others. I hadn't appreciated the movie before but it does raise some profound questions about life. So, I ask myself, how am I waiting? Since the waiting is inevitable and I clearly can't run away from it. How can I wait well without being consumed with anxiety?

At this moment I am more terrified about the known unpleasantness associated with returning to the States than I am about the unknown that lies across the ocean.

Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me

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