Saturday, November 4, 2006


bonsai, originally uploaded by camille94019.

Last spring I decided that God was doing a terrible job of taking care of me. I know its easy to blame things on God that could just as easily be blamed on my own poor planning. Either way, I discovered that that thought is an anti-affirmation-- a word that means "an unproductive thought." As a result of that bad thought, I had a miserable spring, and I found overwhelming evidence to show that truly, God was not taking care of me. I actually depressed myself. I got sick a few times, and every time I thought about the future, I'd burst into tears. This went on until the summer came, and when it ended, I was shocked to note that none of the bad things I had anticipated ever happened. In fact, I had plenty of well-paying jobs, lots of romantic adventure and even a few road trips.


I am finding that thought to be seductive right now, as my accountant is balancing the books and finding them lacking, though I am trying to stave it off as best I can. I certainly don't want to be poor and miserable. I could be poor and any number of other, more interesting, adjectives. I could be poor and artistic. Poor and scintillating! Poor and fashionable! Poor and subversive!

As a result, I have been telling myself that God is taking very good care of me, and at the same time, looking for evidence to support that, in a strange combination of faith and self-help culture.

The Evidence


While I was out with friends last Thursday night, one of them found these two polaroids on the deck of Cafe Perg (a place heady with spiritual significance).

God Cares For My Need for the Aesthetic

This isn't a loaf of bread, or anything useful on a purely pragmatic level. But while I am looking at the world with my God-Abundance-Goggles, I am logically obligated to see this as a message from the Almighty. Surely if He can leave funny polaroids for me to find and puzzle over, then enough money for beer can't be beyond the edges of hope.

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