Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Janis Joplin will Kick Your Fat Reformed Ass
I had originally planned on letting this post slip under the 327 radar. I was incensed when I read the "21 questions to ask your prospective wife", and I disagree with the spirit of it on a profound level. While I can say that some of those statements could apply to me, I certainly would rather die than have my existence be defined like that. Which may explain why I am still single (ha ha). Its not my habit to point out annoying Christian stuff on the web just to disagree with it. Firstly, there is just so much annoying Christian stuff on the web, its like trying to list the ants in an anthill. Secondly, I don't think it does anyone any good.
But that was before I heard Janis Joplin's immortal "Turtle Blues" on the radio this evening.
Ah, I’m a mean, mean woman
And I don’t mean no one man, no good, no.
Her voice ripped through my old car speakers like razor wire through a shredder. I immediately thought of the 21 Question Woman. How if I had a choice, I'd rather drink Southern Comfort with Janis than weak Lipton with the 21QW. In fact I couldn't think of any womanly activity that I'd rather do with the 21QW.
I just treats ‘em like I wants to
I never treats ‘em, honey like I should.
Radically Insecure in a Mini Skirt
Does the whole church congregation know more about what kind of body she has than they ever requested to know? If she dresses provocatively and immodestly (particularly in church contexts), do you understand that this is more probably a manifestation of radical insecurity than it is a manifestation of a lonely sex kitten desperately wanting to make love to a dope like you?
I have a sneaking suspicion that a stray writer for SNL actually wrote this. I think I'll sin if I write any more (as she falls out of her chair, trying to contain her wicked wit and overwhelming mirth).
I guess I’m just like a turtle
That’s hidin’ underneath its horny shell.
Whoa, whoa, oh yeah, like a turtle
Cleaning the Toilets in a Modest Denim Skirt
Does she love the domestic arts? Is she the kind of person that would make any home that she managed a place where others love to be?
This makes Martha Stewart look like a fire-breathing harpie-underachiever. I am not down on the domestic arts, but to have them as an end for mythical others is a bit hard to swallow. At best, keeping a home is a two person job.
I ain’t the kind of woman
Who’d make your life a bed of ease, ha ha ha ha!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'd certainly love to go thrifting with Janis, and there are some fantastic junk shops and flea markets we'd hit when it was time to decorate the ol' hovel. I suspect the 21QW would find her sanitary deals at Wallyworld.
I was going to try to find a picture of the 21QW, but all the domestic icons I could come up with were far too complex and interesting to be dumbed down to her level. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the 21QW is a figment of the writer's stunted imagination. She doesn't exist in this world. If she does appear to exist, in 20 years she'll be coming out of the closet, going to rehab, she'll have a sudden need to devote her life to oil painting, or her heart will have died some starchy and sudsy death and only her empty shell will be going through the domestic motions.
For crying out loud, Jesus Christ himself reprimanded Martha for doing her domestic chores when she should have been hanging out with him and Mary.
Given that your sons will probably be educated to the same level as their mother, are you willing for that?
(Eyebrows raised in disbelief. Who says? What about your daughters? Are you willing for that?)
Take it Home, Janis
Honey, ain’t no one gonna dog me down.